So which do you want first? The good news, or the bad? Usually people start with the bad, so that the good seems a whole lot better. I understand that concept, however where i sit right now, starting with the bad might just upset me all the more. I think I need to start with the good to remind myself of what those things were.
The good, since last Monday (or perhaps it was Tuesday) was fairly same same for the rest of the week. Mostly just uni stuff. I finally started understanding the concepts of an assignment that was due (remember banana con yelo?) as he said there would be two assignments, one was market research, and the next was market feasibility. So FINALLY I understood the division of the assignments....until ofcourse the next class where we incorporated them together again and the line was blurred....was there now one or two assignments with meshing titles? Seriously dude, you need to figure your shit out.
The weekend was full of catching up on study, and on sunday during the day Tania and I went out to Volunteer with a children's organisation. This organisation works with child victims of Military abuse that is currently happening in the Philippines. It's highly corrupt here, and these particular children (and their families) were victims of all their houses being demolished, and some even had been tear gassed in the process. Now these children, having been forced out by the military, were homeless.
When we first got there we were asked to take photographs and document the day for the organisation. The idea was to use art as a tool for psychotherapy for the trauma they suffered. The kids observed us shyly, but once we broke away from the other adults we were swarmed by kids wanting their photo's taken, and by kids wanting to just watch us keenly. A few of the older kids had a grasp on english and would tell us we were beautiful, and one girl would even start touching my arm out of intrigue to the pale colour of my skin. She would then put hers up to compare skin tones with me. The younger kids were so cute. They didn't understand english, but the boys were quite 'gangster' and would start singing bruno Mars's "Lazy Song". They did family profiling through art, and drew the things on paper that made them feel certain emotions and after lunch Tania was asked to play a game with them. She tried to teach them one of her camp songs, but i think it had a little bit too much english in it for them, so they lost the point of it and instead started chasing each other around the courtyard. So we tried the human knot; the game where you all grab different peoples hands and have to try and untangle yourself. As soon as I put my hand in the circle, I had about 15 different little hands grab my arm. It had to be explained to them that they weren't all allowed to hold 'Ate B's' arm otherwise the game wouldn't work....nobody seemed too keen on letting go however. Again, pretty sure there was a novelty in holding the white girls hand. It was all pretty cute and fun. It's days like that one that remind me why I want to be a social worker. To see such enthusiasm in their faces and an eagerness to keep going on in life given all their hardship and the fact that they were all homeless is something amazing. They have such a resilience.
Sunday night, my housemates and I put on our brightest attire, and hit the road for the Katy Perry concert. Yes, I wouldn't count myself as an avid Katy Perry fan by any measure. I like some of her songs, i think she has quirk, however you won't find me flailing myself off a building in her honour, screaming at the top of my lungs how she has completed my life with her music.
The night was actually really fun, we only pad the equivalent of about $20 AUD for the tickets, and we were right up the back of an open aired festival ground. We were exceptionally far from the stage, but the projections screens meant we could see everything. It was her final show for her 18 month long tour, and she gave it her all. Tan had to be hoisted onto Erin's shoulders at one point in the night because she wasn't able to see even the board through the sea of heads, and even a small Filipino girl got to sit on Erin's shoulders to watch Katy Perry perform "Last Friday Night".
The night was so much fun, and we fell right asleep when we got home (or maybe that was just me...)
Monday was Chinese New year! The idea was to go out and celebrate, although we find out later that the celebrations happened the previous night...doh. So instead we did assignment work. I decided to mark Chinese new year as being the beginning of a new outlook of being here in Manila. It was my chance to start fresh and Tuesday at uni would be my test.
So Tuesday for uni rocks around and I walk into my shakespeare class, head held high ready to learn!
.....aaaaand everyone was sitting in there already, heads bowed down over little blue books. I had been told what the little blue books meant, they meant exams. I just walked into my own midterm exam. It was like walking into my own nightmares. The nightmares you have where you are standing naked in a room and you realise that there is an exam you haven't studied for. This was no nightmare. I was, thankfully, fully clothed, but i froze and my stomach dropped and I felt physically sick, confused and panicked. Nobody told me we had an exam! I did not know there was an exam and therefore wasn't mentally prepared for it. My teacher realised that I wasn't aware of an exam, tried to reassure me that I would do just fine. So i sit in the classroom, reading over the exam.
I failed. There is no way around it. with their 75% passing grade, and the fact that all the books we had read, I hadn't memorised every line and my panicked state had made it impossible to remember character names, even if I knew them well. I was screwed.
I waiting around outside the building after class to spear tackle my teacher into the ground, and rip my exam from her hands.
Although instead of doing that, I told myself I wouldn't cry and walked over to her. She informed me that my face when i entered the room said everything. I asked if there was anything else I could do for extra credit, because I knew I had failed, and she said she would figure it out and get back to me on what extra work I could do. I was relieved. However I decided that this was a perfect time to have my first cry being here in Manila.
Surprised? There have been so many instances where I have wanted to cry, and yet the tears have not come. My only conclusion is that Manila is turning me into a robot, and my emotions are becoming way too internalised and one day I will snap and kill you all, or just never get out of bed.
So, after my day today, I really wanted to cry, I came home, sat on my bed, hugged my pillow and....nothing. I think I am a robot.
Now Wednesday has rocked around and I am sitting here on my bed still. I went to class this morning, and got even more lost when the professor started teaching us mathematical equations... WE ARE SOCIAL WORK STUDENTS, WE DON'T NEED TO SPEND AN ENTIRE SEMESTER STUDYING THE MARKET OF SELLING T-SHIRTS AND THE MATH EQUATIONS TO FIGURE OUT MARKET TRENDS!!!! GET A LIFE YOU SNIVELLING KNOBJOCKEY! I apologise for my outburst, but this is the most pointless class in the history of social work. I am currently looking into what would happen if i dropped it, because it will not help my career choice in anyway shape or form.
AAAAND for the best news of all. Yes. that was sarcasm. My place of sanity; that is the place I go to study, or use the internet, or just go to to get out of the house and into airconditioning has been taken from me. Technically it is still there, but their wifi is no longer free, and is actually ridiculously expensive for here. Sure, that place is starbucks, but you really shouldn't judge the one place that I have found comfort here. It's where I will sit for hours, checking my emails, and contacting home, or being able to do my assignments somewhere comfortable. There is no way I can afford to do that anymore the way I have been. It's blasphemy. Is it sad that that was almost the straw that broke the camels back for me today? And yet, it appears I am still a robot, just a robot going more and more numb every day.
My state of mind being here is not something I like. Not by far. I hate that being here has made me numb, and in amongst the amazing experiences I have no passion or drive, something that usually keeps me going. The only thing at the moment that is keeping me going is the countdown until I go away and travel. I have lost my sense of freedom and self. A harsh thing to admit, but it's true. The bad seems to outweigh the good at the moment. I had such an amazing day with the kids on Sunday and I wonder whether 1 day of good every few weeks is worth all the bad days. I keep trying to change my mindset, and to change the way I see things, but right now it feels hopeless.
Depressing right? I like to think it's not because I am a Westerner trying to adapt to a different culture, because I love new cultures. I love so much about the Filipino culture and find it very interesting, but it's not very stimulating in the area we live. Well, tomorrow is a new day, so the roller coaster may be due for an up. Here's to hoping and to keeping moving...
Love B xo
P.s. I won't be uploading any photos of the kids on here, It would be a violation of their rights being that they were there for traumatic experiences and it wouldn't be right to plaster them all over the internet.
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