I was speaking to someone just several days ago where they asked me for any big stories that had happened in the past week, and I responded with a simple 'no, nothing exciting except uni stuff', and that was apparently enough to jinx me two nights later when my housemates and I got into a cab. I will continue that story shortly, once i have detailed the stress in the pit of my stomach that was the rest of the week in Manila. Obviously Monday and Tuesday was spent doing university assignments, and what not, as always. Alas nothing exciting there to be told, however this was the beginning of my internal stress meter hitting an all time high.
It all began with a housemates excitement over finding out that doing placement here in the Philippines is actually possible, staying on for an extra 3-4 months after our semester of study. Hearing this, made me realise that it was probably a possibility for me also, and hearing her passionate excitement over doing so gave me a pang of guilt that maybe i should be more excited about the prospect of doing one, and maybe it would be a great opportunity to do so, and whether or not I would be a complete idiot to not take up that opportunity. I mean doing a placement in a social work setting here in the Philippines, that would be a great thing to put on a resume, wouldn't it?
However, then the big internal questions kept snowballing - do I really want to stay here for another 3-4 months on top of the already 3 I have left? Can I hack longer here? If it was out of the city, could I hack it? Is this something I want? If i said no, would I regret it later in life?
Ofcourse as a general rule, i don't believe in regrets. At least not in the conventional sense. I believe we do stupid things, we learn and should move on. The word regret leaves a bad taste in my mouth. But would passing up an opportunity as such leave a bad taste in my mouth as well?
The stress was beginning at boiling point that I felt sick in the pit of my stomach. For those who know me well, know that i prefer my spot on the fence rather than being swayed either way. At times it is a curse to be able to sit in the middle and see both sides of an argument or a decision with clear precision, making it exceptionally difficult to be swayed. Other times it has kept me out of the argument.
I am a fence sitter, and for the most part, i like it there. Sure you get the occasionally stab in the butt cheek if it's a picket fence, but usually it's a great place to be.
I don't like making decisions.
So this would constitute as a huge decision to make.
Another thought that occurred to me and played on my mind was whether or not I have spent so much time exploring other corners of the globe that I am not balancing that time out with spending time around those things important to me at home. This experience here has me thinking about that a lot. Whilst I have a wild heart that needs and yearns so passionately to explore, I also have very close ties to home.
The internal battle between my heart and my head raged on for several days. If I was offered a placement in South America, I would without hesitation, accept it in a second. But do I hold that same passion for the Philippines? On deeper questioning, I realised that I didn't have as many ties to this country as my housemate did, not the same as i do for South America or somewhere else.
In amongst questioning these things, university work seemed to kick up a notch. One of our professors gave us a days notice to write a huge assignment. This is our teacher who originally being an economics teacher now teaches social work. To say the least, we already have huge issues with his teaching methods and focuses. As Social Workers we should be primarily focused on the community aspect of project development and not solely focused on economic markets as he believes we should.
So with the instructions on 'go write a market feasibility paper', we questioned him on what that detailed or needed and what on earth we were writing a market feasibility study for? Our own imaginary study? an existing study? for the love of Buddah, give us SOME form of direction. and of course a week later he still hasn't responded. He also gave us 5 minutes notice to tell us our 8:30am class was cancelled, when we were already for the most part at uni. Thanks dude.
The assignment system reminds me of the time we were at a restaurant in Puerto Galera, when we asked the Waiter what 'Banana con yelo' was. His response was simply "its banana....con yelo m'am".
Repeating the title of something doesn't actually explain anything, except that we can spell and speak correctly. It's not helpful in any way shape or form to knowing what something is.
And that's how the assignments work here.
What is this feasibility assignment on sir? It's on feasibility. Oh wow, my mind has been blown. Now that you have said that I suddenly understand everything. It's like in a clap of thunder and the droning monotonous tones of your thick accented voice, the universe has spoken to me with that explanation and the meaning of life along with the assignment criteria is so clear to me. It's completely crystal! Thankyou for your genious input, i can now die happy.
Excuse me while i go smack my head against a brick wall. turns out i don't need my brain cells at all. Not after that response. Life. So much sense. Oh look, oncoming traffic, let's go play.
All the classes are like this. And voila, exams in the next two weeks. Did we know there was going to be exams? nope, not mid term ones. I am not even sure that we have learnt anything, or what the exams are supposed to be on. I dearly hope that it will all come to me in a dream, or that i can work on my telepathy with the teachers. I think that is the only way that anyone would know anything around here. Even the students in the class don't know...unless they are giving the information to us via telepathy also....
Are Filipino's adept in the realm of telepathy? Maybe I should spend more of my time focusing on that instead of Community organising. I might get more out of it. For the most part I may be able to find interesting stories about people who i pass on the street.
Now that I have had that little banter, you can imagine how much that with the notion of placement has worked up my stress levels to boiling points, and how I have felt physically sickened. The fetal position is my friend. I like it. It's comfy, how about we just stay as we are?
SO we spent a bit more time at the gym this week taking our minds off the upcoming studious deaths and more time dancing with flamboyant dance instructors and taking time out for yoga.
Saturday night, Erin Tania and I caught up with Erin's long time friend Katie at my favourite Makati Vegetarian restaurant, and had lovely food and conversation.
We jumped in a cab to go home and realised that the taxi driver was falling asleep at the wheel. trying our hardest to keep him awake for the hour long drive home, we realised he was taking us further into the darker alleyways of Makati, instead of the direction of our home. So we talked about it quietly in the back in hushed voices, and decided that we would ask him to drop us off at a close by expensive hotel, so we could get another cab who was awake, and the security guards at hotels always take down the taxi numbers and the destination of travel for security purposes. That and we didn't want to ask him to pull over in dodgy areas of town.
We told him that our plans had changed because we just got a text from a friend. He didn't seem pleased about this at all. He drove us around the block several times before pulling in to get petrol. He then seemed to sense our want to get out of the taxi and it was at that point he started to get aggressive in his talk and his driving. He started to speed and swerve vigorously through the traffic, almost running down several pedestrians and overtaking into oncoming jeepneys.
When we asked him to slow down, he just laughed at us, and told us that he was a taxi not a jeepney and he will drive how he wants to. We told him immediately to pull over and let us out of the taxi. He did that, and left with a snide comment.
Our hearts still pounded we realised, we were able to speak freely without him overhearing us, and the conclusion was drawn that he looked and smelt drunk or drugged. or possibly even both. And of course due to him actually falling asleep in traffic earlier with us in the car, he was definitely tired.
Luckily at this point he had pulled over on a busy street, so we were opposite a hotel. We walked up to the security guards there and asked politely if they could find a taxi for us. They did, and it was a nice clean taxi, and the taxi driver appeared to not be drunk, drugged or tired to the point of falling asleep. Needless to say we were relieved.
When we got home, Erin knowing the streets of Makati better than us, told us that he was taking us the wrong way through the town, and deeper into the dodgy areas. On reflection, we are not sure where he was taking us, but it certainly wasn't where we asked, and with his apparent aggressive behaviour later on, who knows what would have happened if we hadn't of said something. Either way, we knew after changing plans he was driving like that purely to be a bastard and to scare us senseless. He definitely succeeded with that.
With the decision of placement still looming on the horizon, I sent an email out to RMIT, and to the Australian Government asking about the terms of my overseas loan. As it turns out, due to me getting the loan, I have to complete my final semester of study back on Australian soil (not staying in the philippines for placement).
This is the first amount of relief I have felt all week.
The decision was out of my hands. It's not up to me at all.
One stress factor is gone. I don't have to choose.
Reflecting upon this week the things I have learnt is number one, things will happen as they are meant to happen. I do believe in signs, whether that's corny or not. It's what i believe. I also believe things will unfold as they are meant to, depending on the paths we take.
I am not meant to do placement here in the Philippines, and the incident with the taxi driver reminds me to never be complacement about my safety here, or to get too comfortable with my surroundings. The truth is, Manila is not a safe place, and I can't let myself forget that. There is an organ trade here for goodness sake.
Also, that I cannot wait for this study to be over. I just need to pass (the equivilent of a distinction back home), and work out how to calm my stress levels. Perhaps I should add that to my new years resolutions. Minimise stress, it's not healthy for you. Trust in life, and trust in yourself.
Possibley not the happiest of blog posts, but it's all part of the self learning.
As Tania said to me last week. There are alot of things about this place that we hate or dislike, but we have to balance that with the small things. We can't just like those small things, we need to love them, because they are the symbols that keep us afloat.
Here they are.
I love our security guards, they are always so happy to see us, and always have the biggest smiles on their faces.
I love the kid that sits near our street always excitedly waving as we go passed.
I love the Body Jam instructor at the gym. He is so flamboyant and is always in his own world. I think he thinks he is in a night club.
As embarrassing as it is, I love the people at starbucks who greet you with your name. Even if it is your coffee name, not your real name.
I love the students in our classes, and their enthusiasm towards life and each other.
And Finally I love the time spent with my housemates lounging around the living room playing guitar, singing, and dancing like nobody is watching.
These are the symbols here in Quezon city that I love, the things that keep me afloat while I am here.
also :) all the amazing people i have met in my life (and got photos with!) and
Love to everyone back home
Love B xo
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