the rollercoaster continues

I will apologise in advance. this entry will be a vision into two polar opposites of emotions. The beginning will start with my sense of grasping onto the life here and a heightened sense of happiness. Sadly this will be short lived, and as i write this I am not in any form of happy mood, so that may seep into alot of the stories.

So which do you want first? The good news, or the bad? Usually people start with the bad, so that the good seems a whole lot better. I understand that concept, however where i sit right now, starting with the bad might just upset me all the more. I think I need to start with the good to remind myself of what those things were.

The good, since last Monday (or perhaps it was Tuesday) was fairly same same for the rest of the week. Mostly just uni stuff. I finally started understanding the concepts of an assignment that was due (remember banana con yelo?) as he said there would be two assignments, one was market research, and the next was market feasibility. So FINALLY I understood the division of the assignments....until ofcourse the next class where we incorporated them together again and the line was blurred....was there now one or two assignments with meshing titles? Seriously dude, you need to figure your shit out.

The weekend was full of catching up on study, and on sunday during the day Tania and I went out to Volunteer with a children's organisation. This organisation works with child victims of Military abuse that is currently happening in the Philippines. It's highly corrupt here, and these particular children (and their families) were victims of all their houses being demolished, and some even had been tear gassed in the process. Now these children, having been forced out by the military, were homeless.

When we first got there we were asked to take photographs and document the day for the organisation. The idea was to use art as a tool for psychotherapy for the trauma they suffered. The kids observed us shyly, but once we broke away from the other adults we were swarmed by kids wanting their photo's taken, and by kids wanting to just watch us keenly. A few of the older kids had a grasp on english and would tell us we were beautiful, and one girl would even start touching my arm out of intrigue to the pale colour of my skin. She would then put hers up to compare skin tones with me. The younger kids were so cute. They didn't understand english, but the boys were quite 'gangster' and would start singing bruno Mars's "Lazy Song". They did family profiling through art, and drew the things on paper that made them feel certain emotions and after lunch Tania was asked to play a game with them. She tried to teach them one of her camp songs, but i think it had a little bit too much english in it for them, so they lost the point of it and instead started chasing each other around the courtyard. So we tried the human knot; the game where you all grab different peoples hands and have to try and untangle yourself. As soon as I put my hand in the circle, I had about 15 different little hands grab my arm. It had to be explained to them that they weren't all allowed to hold 'Ate B's' arm otherwise the game wouldn't work....nobody seemed too keen on letting go however. Again, pretty sure there was a novelty in holding the white girls hand. It was all pretty cute and fun. It's days like that one that remind me why I want to be a social worker. To see such enthusiasm in their faces and an eagerness to keep going on in life given all their hardship and the fact that they were all homeless is something amazing. They have such a resilience.

Sunday night, my housemates and I put on our brightest attire, and hit the road for the Katy Perry concert. Yes, I wouldn't count myself as an avid Katy Perry fan by any measure. I like some of her songs, i think she has quirk, however you won't find me flailing myself off a building in her honour, screaming at the top of my lungs how she has completed my life with her music.
The night was actually really fun, we only pad the equivalent of about $20 AUD for the tickets, and we were right up the back of an open aired festival ground. We were exceptionally far from the stage, but the projections screens meant we could see everything. It was her final show for her 18 month long tour, and she gave it her all. Tan had to be hoisted onto Erin's shoulders at one point in the night because she wasn't able to see even the board through the sea of heads, and even a small Filipino girl got to sit on Erin's shoulders to watch Katy Perry perform "Last Friday Night".

The night was so much fun, and we fell right asleep when we got home (or maybe that was just me...)

Monday was Chinese New year! The idea was to go out and celebrate, although we find out later that the celebrations happened the previous night...doh. So instead we did assignment work. I decided to mark Chinese new year as being the beginning of a new outlook of being here in Manila. It was my chance to start fresh and Tuesday at uni would be my test.

So Tuesday for uni rocks around and I walk into my shakespeare class, head held high ready to learn!
.....aaaaand everyone was sitting in there already, heads bowed down over little blue books. I had been told what the little blue books meant, they meant exams. I just walked into my own midterm exam. It was like walking into my own nightmares. The nightmares you have where you are standing naked in a room and you realise that there is an exam you haven't studied for. This was no nightmare. I was, thankfully, fully clothed, but i froze and my stomach dropped and I felt physically sick, confused and panicked. Nobody told me we had an exam! I did not know there was an exam and therefore wasn't mentally prepared for it. My teacher realised that I wasn't aware of an exam, tried to reassure me that I would do just fine. So i sit in the classroom, reading over the exam.
I failed. There is no way around it. with their 75% passing grade, and the fact that all the books we had read, I hadn't memorised every line and my panicked state had made it impossible to remember character names, even if I knew them well. I was screwed.
I waiting around outside the building after class to spear tackle my teacher into the ground, and rip my exam from her hands.
Although instead of doing that, I told myself I wouldn't cry and walked over to her. She informed me that my face when i entered the room said everything. I asked if there was anything else I could do for extra credit, because I knew I had failed, and she said she would figure it out and get back to me on what extra work I could do. I was relieved. However I decided that this was a perfect time to have my first cry being here in Manila.
Surprised? There have been so many instances where I have wanted to cry, and yet the tears have not come. My only conclusion is that Manila is turning me into a robot, and my emotions are becoming way too internalised and one day I will snap and kill you all, or just never get out of bed.
So, after my day today, I really wanted to cry, I came home, sat on my bed, hugged my pillow and....nothing. I think I am a robot.

Now Wednesday has rocked around and I am sitting here on my bed still. I went to class this morning, and got even more lost when the professor started teaching us mathematical equations... WE ARE SOCIAL WORK STUDENTS, WE DON'T NEED TO SPEND AN ENTIRE SEMESTER STUDYING THE MARKET OF SELLING T-SHIRTS AND THE MATH EQUATIONS TO FIGURE OUT MARKET TRENDS!!!! GET A LIFE YOU SNIVELLING KNOBJOCKEY! I apologise for my outburst, but this is the most pointless class in the history of social work. I am currently looking into what would happen if i dropped it, because it will not help my career choice in anyway shape or form.

AAAAND for the best news of all. Yes. that was sarcasm. My place of sanity; that is the place I go to study, or use the internet, or just go to to get out of the house and into airconditioning has been taken from me. Technically it is still there, but their wifi is no longer free, and is actually ridiculously expensive for here. Sure, that place is starbucks, but you really shouldn't judge the one place that I have found comfort here. It's where I will sit for hours, checking my emails, and contacting home, or being able to do my assignments somewhere comfortable. There is no way I can afford to do that anymore the way I have been. It's blasphemy. Is it sad that that was almost the straw that broke the camels back for me today? And yet, it appears I am still a robot, just a robot going more and more numb every day.

My state of mind being here is not something I like. Not by far. I hate that being here has made me numb, and in amongst the amazing experiences I have no passion or drive, something that usually keeps me going. The only thing at the moment that is keeping me going is the countdown until I go away and travel. I have lost my sense of freedom and self. A harsh thing to admit, but it's true. The bad seems to outweigh the good at the moment. I had such an amazing day with the kids on Sunday and I wonder whether 1 day of good every few weeks is worth all the bad days. I keep trying to change my mindset, and to change the way I see things, but right now it feels hopeless.

Depressing right? I like to think it's not because I am a Westerner trying to adapt to a different culture, because I love new cultures. I love so much about the Filipino culture and find it very interesting, but it's not very stimulating in the area we live. Well, tomorrow is a new day, so the roller coaster may be due for an up. Here's to hoping and to keeping moving...

Love B xo

P.s. I won't be uploading any photos of the kids on here, It would be a violation of their rights being that they were there for traumatic experiences and it wouldn't be right to plaster them all over the internet.

did somebody order a crazed taxi driver?

greetings and salutations out there to you bloggers who are still following with my adventures here in the Philippines.

I was speaking to someone just several days ago where they asked me for any big stories that had happened in the past week, and I responded with a simple 'no, nothing exciting except uni stuff', and that was apparently enough to jinx me two nights later when my housemates and I got into a cab. I will continue that story shortly, once i have detailed the stress in the pit of my stomach that was the rest of the week in Manila. Obviously Monday and Tuesday was spent doing university assignments, and what not, as always. Alas nothing exciting there to be told, however this was the beginning of my internal stress meter hitting an all time high.

It all began with a housemates excitement over finding out that doing placement here in the Philippines is actually possible, staying on for an extra 3-4 months after our semester of study. Hearing this, made me realise that it was probably a possibility for me also, and hearing her passionate excitement over doing so gave me a pang of guilt that maybe i should be more excited about the prospect of doing one, and maybe it would be a great opportunity to do so, and whether or not I would be a complete idiot to not take up that opportunity. I mean doing a placement in a social work setting here in the Philippines, that would be a great thing to put on a resume, wouldn't it?

However, then the big internal questions kept snowballing - do I really want to stay here for another 3-4 months on top of the already 3 I have left? Can I hack longer here? If it was out of the city, could I hack it? Is this something I want? If i said no, would I regret it later in life?
Ofcourse as a general rule, i don't believe in regrets. At least not in the conventional sense. I believe we do stupid things, we learn and should move on. The word regret leaves a bad taste in my mouth. But would passing up an opportunity as such leave a bad taste in my mouth as well?
The stress was beginning at boiling point that I felt sick in the pit of my stomach. For those who know me well, know that i prefer my spot on the fence rather than being swayed either way. At times it is a curse to be able to sit in the middle and see both sides of an argument or a decision with clear precision, making it exceptionally difficult to be swayed. Other times it has kept me out of the argument.
I am a fence sitter, and for the most part, i like it there. Sure you get the occasionally stab in the butt cheek if it's a picket fence, but usually it's a great place to be.
I don't like making decisions.

So this would constitute as a huge decision to make.
Another thought that occurred to me and played on my mind was whether or not I have spent so much time exploring other corners of the globe that I am not balancing that time out with spending time around those things important to me at home. This experience here has me thinking about that a lot. Whilst I have a wild heart that needs and yearns so passionately to explore, I also have very close ties to home.

The internal battle between my heart and my head raged on for several days. If I was offered a placement in South America, I would without hesitation, accept it in a second. But do I hold that same passion for the Philippines? On deeper questioning, I realised that I didn't have as many ties to this country as my housemate did, not the same as i do for South America or somewhere else.

In amongst questioning these things, university work seemed to kick up a notch. One of our professors gave us a days notice to write a huge assignment. This is our teacher who originally being an economics teacher now teaches social work. To say the least, we already have huge issues with his teaching methods and focuses. As Social Workers we should be primarily focused on the community aspect of project development and not solely focused on economic markets as he believes we should.
So with the instructions on 'go write a market feasibility paper', we questioned him on what that detailed or needed and what on earth we were writing a market feasibility study for? Our own imaginary study? an existing study? for the love of Buddah, give us SOME form of direction. and of course a week later he still hasn't responded. He also gave us 5 minutes notice to tell us our 8:30am class was cancelled, when we were already for the most part at uni. Thanks dude.

The assignment system reminds me of the time we were at a restaurant in Puerto Galera, when we asked the Waiter what 'Banana con yelo' was. His response was simply "its banana....con yelo m'am".
Repeating the title of something doesn't actually explain anything, except that we can spell and speak correctly. It's not helpful in any way shape or form to knowing what something is.
And that's how the assignments work here.
What is this feasibility assignment on sir? It's on feasibility. Oh wow, my mind has been blown. Now that you have said that I suddenly understand everything. It's like in a clap of thunder and the droning monotonous tones of your thick accented voice, the universe has spoken to me with that explanation and the meaning of life along with the assignment criteria is so clear to me. It's completely crystal! Thankyou for your genious input, i can now die happy.

Excuse me while i go smack my head against a brick wall. turns out i don't need my brain cells at all. Not after that response. Life. So much sense. Oh look, oncoming traffic, let's go play.

All the classes are like this. And voila, exams in the next two weeks. Did we know there was going to be exams? nope, not mid term ones. I am not even sure that we have learnt anything, or what the exams are supposed to be on. I dearly hope that it will all come to me in a dream, or that i can work on my telepathy with the teachers. I think that is the only way that anyone would know anything around here. Even the students in the class don't know...unless they are giving the information to us via telepathy also....
Are Filipino's adept in the realm of telepathy? Maybe I should spend more of my time focusing on that instead of Community organising. I might get more out of it. For the most part I may be able to find interesting stories about people who i pass on the street.

Now that I have had that little banter, you can imagine how much that with the notion of placement has worked up my stress levels to boiling points, and how I have felt physically sickened. The fetal position is my friend. I like it. It's comfy, how about we just stay as we are?

SO we spent a bit more time at the gym this week taking our minds off the upcoming studious deaths and more time dancing with flamboyant dance instructors and taking time out for yoga.

Saturday night, Erin Tania and I caught up with Erin's long time friend Katie at my favourite Makati Vegetarian restaurant, and had lovely food and conversation.

We jumped in a cab to go home and realised that the taxi driver was falling asleep at the wheel. trying our hardest to keep him awake for the hour long drive home, we realised he was taking us further into the darker alleyways of Makati, instead of the direction of our home. So we talked about it quietly in the back in hushed voices, and decided that we would ask him to drop us off at a close by expensive hotel, so we could get another cab who was awake, and the security guards at hotels always take down the taxi numbers and the destination of travel for security purposes. That and we didn't want to ask him to pull over in dodgy areas of town.

We told him that our plans had changed because we just got a text from a friend. He didn't seem pleased about this at all. He drove us around the block several times before pulling in to get petrol. He then seemed to sense our want to get out of the taxi and it was at that point he started to get aggressive in his talk and his driving. He started to speed and swerve vigorously through the traffic, almost running down several pedestrians and overtaking into oncoming jeepneys.
When we asked him to slow down, he just laughed at us, and told us that he was a taxi not a jeepney and he will drive how he wants to. We told him immediately to pull over and let us out of the taxi. He did that, and left with a snide comment.

Our hearts still pounded we realised, we were able to speak freely without him overhearing us, and the conclusion was drawn that he looked and smelt drunk or drugged. or possibly even both. And of course due to him actually falling asleep in traffic earlier with us in the car, he was definitely tired.
Luckily at this point he had pulled over on a busy street, so we were opposite a hotel. We walked up to the security guards there and asked politely if they could find a taxi for us. They did, and it was a nice clean taxi, and the taxi driver appeared to not be drunk, drugged or tired to the point of falling asleep. Needless to say we were relieved.

When we got home, Erin knowing the streets of Makati better than us, told us that he was taking us the wrong way through the town, and deeper into the dodgy areas. On reflection, we are not sure where he was taking us, but it certainly wasn't where we asked, and with his apparent aggressive behaviour later on, who knows what would have happened if we hadn't of said something. Either way, we knew after changing plans he was driving like that purely to be a bastard and to scare us senseless. He definitely succeeded with that.

With the decision of placement still looming on the horizon, I sent an email out to RMIT, and to the Australian Government asking about the terms of my overseas loan. As it turns out, due to me getting the loan, I have to complete my final semester of study back on Australian soil (not staying in the philippines for placement).
This is the first amount of relief I have felt all week.
The decision was out of my hands. It's not up to me at all.
One stress factor is gone. I don't have to choose.

Reflecting upon this week the things I have learnt is number one, things will happen as they are meant to happen. I do believe in signs, whether that's corny or not. It's what i believe. I also believe things will unfold as they are meant to, depending on the paths we take.
I am not meant to do placement here in the Philippines, and the incident with the taxi driver reminds me to never be complacement about my safety here, or to get too comfortable with my surroundings. The truth is, Manila is not a safe place, and I can't let myself forget that. There is an organ trade here for goodness sake.

Also, that I cannot wait for this study to be over. I just need to pass (the equivilent of a distinction back home), and work out how to calm my stress levels. Perhaps I should add that to my new years resolutions. Minimise stress, it's not healthy for you. Trust in life, and trust in yourself.

Possibley not the happiest of blog posts, but it's all part of the self learning.

As Tania said to me last week. There are alot of things about this place that we hate or dislike, but we have to balance that with the small things. We can't just like those small things, we need to love them, because they are the symbols that keep us afloat.
Here they are.
I love our security guards, they are always so happy to see us, and always have the biggest smiles on their faces.
I love the kid that sits near our street always excitedly waving as we go passed.
I love the Body Jam instructor at the gym. He is so flamboyant and is always in his own world. I think he thinks he is in a night club.
As embarrassing as it is, I love the people at starbucks who greet you with your name. Even if it is your coffee name, not your real name.
I love the students in our classes, and their enthusiasm towards life and each other.
And Finally I love the time spent with my housemates lounging around the living room playing guitar, singing, and dancing like nobody is watching.

These are the symbols here in Quezon city that I love, the things that keep me afloat while I am here.






also :) all the amazing people i have met in my life (and got photos with!) and
Love to everyone back home

Love B xo

a kiss goodbye to 2011, and a big hello to 2012

I should preface this blog with a warning. no nudity this time (or minimal at least) however, this may have a fair amount of information in it. it's been 3 weeks since my last update and, boy has it been a jam packed 3 weeks. I will try of course to limit how much i write so that i will not kill you with complete and utter boredom, however it appears that when i begin talking, it becomes harder and harder to stop me. oh well, suck it up princesses, i say! you will sit and read my blog, and you will enjoy it whether you like it or not!

I had a beautifully relaxing Christmas at home in Melbourne surrounded by family and friends, and i could not have asked for a better one. It was a lovely break to get away from Manila into some form of familiarity. I was very glad to have this break as it was becoming more and more apparent to me how much i was struggling to be in Manila. Coming back gave me a deep sense of appreciation for what I had in Australia, and how much comfort there was. Having said that, I also had a deep sense of upset that I was becoming increasingly frustrated with my life in Manila, and within that becoming frustrated with myself for not making the most out of it. This break gave me a great chance to reflect away from the center of my annoyance.

In Melbourne i was able to indulge in my yearly ritual of going to the Botanical gardens to watch a shakespeare play with Emmah, and the new additions this year of Alex and Steph, and what great additions they were, and it was amazing to be able to see some of my friends again. Needless to say, as always, the performance was hilarious and it turned into a brilliant night for me.

Then, it was time to put on our sailor hats, blow up our floaties and board the Endeavour for a week of drinking, swimming and more drinking along the Murray River with some fabulous people for New Years Eve mayhem.
One thing I can tell you about that boat is that there was ALOT of man love happening. I don't believe I have EVER seen so much heterosexual man love in all my life (except perhaps between the aussie and kiwi boys in South America!). Having said that, it is amazing to see a group of guys, have such an intense friendship that has lasted over a decade as strong as our friendship group with Emma, Emmah, Steph and I (who were also shipmates aboard our houseboat).

We spent our days lazily floating along the river drinking beer and cider, followed by interesting "Which would you prefer" games and the occasional mud fight. Being immersed in the Australian bush meant a lot to me, and occasionally i would find myself wandering through it to sit on a tree trunk by myself and reflect upon my time in the Philippines and the contrasts between Manila and Australia. I was also able to have amazing D&M conversations with my girls, one on one, something i have sorely missed. Turns out being away from my family and friends is possibly the hardest thing about being so far from home. It's those small moments together that you miss the most; those inside jokes, the hugs, and the comfort of loved ones that can make big adventures such as this at times unbearable, because no matter where you are, if you don't have the most important things with you or the ability to talk to them, you begin to question is it worth it?







Either way, the Houseboat juiced me up on friendship that I believe I will be able to sustain myself for a while longer. And alas, we said our goodbyes and headed back home to pack my bags for an early morning flight back to Manila.

At the airport, i opened up a written document from a very special friend of mine, Sally, who wrote me the most wonderful story as a send off for my adventures. This is the first time I have ever gotten on a plane with tears in my eyes. This is the first time that the prospect of leaving to go over seas and leaving behind people has caused me to cry. Sally my dear, your story was so amazing and really touched me. I love you and i will get you back for making me blubber in public. Mark my words :P. Actually whilst I am speaking of the amazing writing that is my Sally, I urge you to buy this e-book in which she has a short story published. you won't regret it, it is amazing. Her story is called "Shards of Love". Check it out here

Anyhoo, so i arrived in Manila, parentals in tow (they came to visit and see where i live and study) and ofcourse spent the next day and a half stuck in classes whilst they explored the city. The Friday night i took them for a tour around the UP campus and showed them which buildings i study in, where 'rape alley' is, and where to avoid if you want to keep your kidneys. We went for a jeepney ride, and finally headed back to their hotel for the weekend (a bit of luxury from where i live. buffet breakfast - hello!) We did a bit of shopping for the afternoon and collected some bits and pieces to furnish the house (thats right - you are now looking at the proud owner of bath mats and a table cloth...jealous?)

We went into Manila bay to go for a wander and watch as the sun went down, then hopped on a horse and buggy around the city. needless to say the tour guide ripped us off in the cover of darkness, but it is one of those situations where you need to toss up whether you argue with them for blatantly stealing your money in the cover of darkness, or do you accept it and move on and wait for karma to do it's thing. The latter prevailed and after searching ages for a taxi (the security guard helping u find one told me that if i gave him my calling card, he would be my prince. oh boy oh boy, lucky me! :P) we headed home, now in tow with an epicly awesome Angry birds hat, haha.

After an early night we began our tour the next morning to visit the Taal volcano near Batangas. We took a small boat ride across the water to the volcano. Our tour guide told us that the volcano is due to erupt every 25 years, and it last erupted in 1977. If you do the math, that makes it due to explode its load this year. So, does that make it a slight bit suicidal to be trekking to a volcano that is due to kill us all? well, we did anyway. We took little donkey/pony-like hybrids up the mountain led by some locals, and had amazing views from the top of the volcano. It had accumulated a lake inside over the last 25 years, but you could still see the water below boiling and bubbling on the surface. We drank coconut water straight from the coconuts and took it all in. It was beautiful, and I can't tell you how great it was to get out of the city.
We took our weird hybrid animals back down the mountain, and i swear the local leading my horse-thing spent more time watching my boobs bounce when running rather than looking at where he is going. needless to say i tried to hold onto the horse one handed while strategically and stealthily cover and hold and twins in place.

The next day we went to the island of Corregidor which was a huge military base in WW2. The island was full of ruins of buildings and so much interesting history that i couldn't possibly be able to retell it with any justice. All i can say is that it has some really interesting history of the war from the Filipino perspective with the Americans joining forces to fight against Japan. It was a pretty amazing day, and the last day I had to spend time with my parents before their flight the following day. We went out to dinner at my favourite vegetarian restaurant here, and stuffed ourselves silly.
needless to say I have been spoilt over the last few days, and i have loved every minute of it.

We got up early the next day to enjoy the last of the buffet breakfast (think of a bear hibernating and filling up on enough food to last them a whole winter...that was me filling up for the next 3 months so as i don't have to live off mi-goreng again.)

We took a taxi back to my house and said our farewells. Thank you so much mum and dad for coming to visit me and taking me out of the city. I have loved every minute of it, and I have loved seeing you guys. I will miss you both.

Ok, sap aside, this brings me to where we are today. Sitting in starbucks as per usual typing this message to you all.

I hope you have stuck through me in this, and hopefully I haven't bored you all senseless.

I have been given a new appreciation of the country I am in after having a break to reflect and getting out of the city. It has even been proposed that i stay an extra 3 months on top of the 3 i still have to go to do placement. Time will tell I suppose.

Miss you all, and love you all..

Happy new year and I hope 2012 treats you all well.

Love B xoxo